"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers... of love is Hell.
~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I was very silent at Bible study tonight. It seemed like in the space of two weeks, the intellectual level of our discussion had been amped up fairly. We also had a new guy, American, who raised several doctrinal issues that I would have loved to debate about. But I kept silent. I wanted to be silent. It was as if my heart was telling me to listen, an inner knowing that through listening I would gain so much more, and be able to give so much more. Perhaps it was because I had been reading about biblical feminity in my spare time. A woman who is unveiling her beauty is inviting others to life. Was I willing to be meek, make myself vulnerable, in order to love better? Perhaps also it was because I had spent the whole day on the job proving myself, that I was as good as "the boys" (academia is teaming with them), and tonight I just wanted to find my sufficiency in God. Beauty flows from a heart at rest. Before God who has made me beautiful and loves me just as I am, I don't need to prove myself. In fact, I felt really horrible later on when my old self reared its proudful head, capitulating completely to the need to state explicit that I was holding back (i.e. see what a great person I am?) - proving sin is never far. How glad I am, then, that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. God is fiercely protective of me.
He has given me such a deep and growing love for His Word these past few days. Through BSF, through my fellowship group, through good books, through prayer and thanksgiving. His Word has been my fountain of living water in this time, a resource for me to draw renewal and nourishment, an encouragement to want more. May I encourage you to partake of this joy too?
2 comments:
Just read a book you might like, dear: SERMONS - Biblical Wisdom for Daily Living. It's by Peter J. Gomes who is the finest preacher I have ever heard. He, unlike many, knows what is important in bible study and being a christian. Enjoyed reading your blog. But remember, the answers are inside yourself, not in any book. Just step out of the way and let the true you emerge, the godly you, the one you are trying to release. The bible is not to be worshiped. It is, stripped of the horrible parts, for our edification only.
That's an interesting post from the western island, hmmm. While the bible is the living word of God, I agree that it is not a totem, something to be brandished around in itself to ward off evil. The answers are inside yourself - and in God working through you.
You've reminded me to get back to Bible Study; missed the last two sessions cos of a holiday and then work. Maybe that's why I've been feeling strangely adrift lately...
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