Just got home from work

Tired. Thesis chapter not progressing - am admittedly good at grand ideas, bad at details. Quiet fuzzy spring day at work though, very calm and conducive - after mad morning rush to review abstracts for grad conference am organising. Dinner consisted of leftovers of previously mentioned culinary productions from kitchen, as well as four Birdseye fishfingers, and earlier snack in office of loveletter remnants and bits from bottom of Doritos bag (more leftovers). Early start tomorrow morning. Going to shower and zzz... But surely work is going to persist in mind over weekend though. sigh.

Persis' current favourite chocolates:

from

Although in long tradition of buying chocolates to keep on standby in handbag, Charbonnel et Walker comes a close second. Valrhona will always bring back memories. And Kit Kat.

Just one of the small things that keep me going... =)

What's your favourite chocolates?

A lovely day

I had a rather nice day today. Got a haircut, picked up some makeup at Fenwick, as well as chocolates and a doughnut at Selfridges. I love little treats. The simple things in life are the best!

And I believe Spring is here at last.

In other news, the suitor, being from across the pond, totally does not grasp irony or understatement... hence may have to resort to more direct hints. Why don't they teach these things in school?

Am going to try to have an early night for a change. Ta!

Oxtail Stew

OK. This did NOT taste like my mother's oxtail stew. Have of course emailed off for the "proper" recipe and will update asap. Have also sent off for Molly Stevens' All About Braising and expect to master the astrophysics of the crockpot before I go grey. Oh, and thank yous go to my ex-best friend in London (who's still one of my best friends except she's no longer in London) for the kind donation of said crockpot, which I intend to make an indispensable part of my life from now onwards.

In other news, the suitor has persisted, but ostensibly not in role of suitor but, er, friend. I was reminded of naughty Eve last night, and am quite sure I'm the first one Satan's going to tempt. Well, knowledge is half the battle won, as they say.

Gonna cut my hair tomorrow. Hurrah!

Boys (edited)

"In the life of a trusting Christian, there are no accidents, only divine appointments."

~ Sheila, BSF

Sometimes, you need to hurt someone, so that you don't hurt him more.

I had the unhappy task of explaining to a suitor today why I couldn't in good conscience go out on a date with him knowing how he feels about me. Then I remembered A and became sad again. 藕断丝连. But, there are other reasons too, and we must do the right thing.

I felt distracted after that. But as the evening progressed, listening to God's word being preached at BSF, reading the notes over a glass of wine at The Well, thinking about things prayerfully on the long bus journey home, surrendering the situation and my heart's desires to God and asking His Holy Spirit to help me guard my heart - I think it's going to be OK. It will be OK, because all things happen for the good of those who love Him. And we pray everyday for His will to be done on earth as it in heaven. So it will be. I have absolute faith in God.

But I do like him very much. He makes me laugh.

In any case, after recent experience, I'm having a bit of a I Kissed Dating Goodbye debate in my own head at the moment. And until I figure that one out...

You know, it would be so much easier if I could just date one of my girlfriends. I would go out with any one of them in a blink.

But I just realised that I still love you... feeling sad now. =(

A new perspective

"I do not make my plans to leave because Marcus no longer wants me as his lover. I make my plans to leave because I am no longer the woman I was."

~ Susie Maguire, Little Black Dress

I read this here today, and it resonated something in me. A new perspective, and true.

Which literary classic are you?

Hey mongchacha, either we're destined to be friends, or quizilla only has one theology-related book of fiction. Cos I was sure Moby Dick had biblical imagery as well.

Umberto Eco: The Name of the Rose. You are a mystery novel dealing with theology, especially with catholic vs liberal issues. You search wisdom and knowledge endlessly, feeling that learning is essential in life.
Take this quiz!

Recipe: Osso bucco... and kindness

"Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:15

Oh dear, we were just discussing this verse at Bible Study on Tuesday, and it was telling that all of us struggle with applying this verse with difficult colleagues. I have a colleague whom I don't get along very well with too. I did something spiteful today (in response to something he did), completely forgetting the verse which we had studied only two nights ago, of course. I feel so bad now. Hm. Think I need to repent try to be nicer at work. Hm.

In other news, the osso bucco was served tonight, with risotto alla milanese (I love saffron!):

I enjoyed sucking out the bone marrow, but I'm afraid my guest was a bit more English in that respect. =)

Braising and stewing must be the best cooking techniques for working adults, right on the point for a casual meal. And it's so darn easy. Pop it into the slow cooker, go to work, and voila! it's ready when you come home.

Osso Bucco recipe

2 pcs osso bucco

2 big dabs butter

1 medium onion

1 clove garlic

1 carrot

2 sticks celery

4 tomatoes

1 tbsp tomato puree

10 fl oz (275 ml) dry white wine or vermouth

1. Melt a dab of butter in a saucepan and the other dab in another saucepan.

2. In saucepan 1, fry the onion and garlic for approx. 10 mins. Then add carrot and celery and fry for approx. 5 mins.

3. In saucepan 2, brown the osso bucco on both sides. Add wine in and let it bubble and reduce a little.

4. Place ingredients from both saucepans in the pre-heated slow cooker. Add tomatoes and tomato puree. Grind in salt and pepper to taste.

5. Cook on "auto" for at least 3 hours. If possible, cook on "high" for 1 hour and "auto" for the rest of the time.

6. When serving, use a flat metal ladle to handle the osso bucco, taking care not to let the meat slide of the bone (since it will be very soft by now) or the bone marrow to slide out.

Winning people for God

I was reading John Piper's article, 'Being Mocked: The Essence of Christ's Work, Not Muhammad's'. The phalanx of articles on muslims in Europe in the news, together with Piper's Christian perspective, has left me both sad and confused. Sad because we live in tumultuous times. Confused because I don't know why this is. I'm also a foreigner living in this country, I too hold faith in a God most people around me reject, and I try to live a holy life that sets me apart from my non-Christian friends. Do I struggle as a Christian in the workplace? Yes, of course. Am I insulted when Christ is mocked, when I hear God's name taken in vain? Yes, I am. Would I take off my cross if asked to in school? Yes, I would, and I would tell myself that my faith is not symbolised by a piece of jewellery, but by my heart and my life.

The thing is, these things don't alienate me; conversely, they motivate me to pray and love others even more. It is entirely possible for different people to live together harmoniously. But at the root must be love, not hate. Love is other-regarding, hate is self-regarding. One is sustained by the deep desire to invite others into your life, the other the overriding need to defend onself. One trusts people to know everything and still follow the truth, the other just bans it. So you see? There is a difference between love and hate. Hate is borne of fear, and it is selfish.

I acknowledge there are many underlying socio-economic factors which drive religious wars. (Afterall, I did write a winning essay on how the French Wars of Religion were not concerned with religion when I was 17!) And I'm not saying I'm not a terrible snob in other non-religion-related ways myself.

Plus, I don't think Christians are that great people anyway. But that is the point. God is good, not us. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. He saves us where we cannot save ourselves. Salvation is by grace alone. It is God's gift to you and me, not something we have earned, but given to us who are undeserved because of love. Love is the reason Jesus died on the cross for our sins. And Christians should carry that sense of having been forgiven themselves to love others in humility. There is nothing of worth in anything apart from Christ.

Friends and I often muse about how things would be if George W. Bush, representing a nation whose trust is in God (professedly), turned to Osama bin Laden and said, 'We forgive you.'.

How many Muslims would be won for God then?

But it will never happen. And so the quiet war goes on.

"What does this mean? It means that a religion with no insulted Savior will not endure insults to win the scoffers. It means that this religion is destined to bear the impossible load of upholding the honor of one who did not die and rise again to make that possible. It means that Jesus Christ is still the only hope of peace with God and peace with man. And it means that his followers must be willing to “share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” (Philippians 3:10)."

I saw daylight today!

The situation in Iraq continues to sadden me. I still remember the heated conversation with best friend in the whole wide world two years ago. I supported the war then, because I believed in my leaders. Blair's moral conviction still resonates in my gut, but whatever good intentions he had, it is also true that the postwar mission has been a total mess. I don't know what war conditions are like, or the pressures soldiers are under. But this is just wrong. And it makes me very sad indeed.

On a brighter note, I got up at 6.30am this morning - an definite answer to prayer - prepared my lunch "tuckbox", travelled to work, finished my BSF homework over coffee and still managed to get into the office at 9am! Despite capitulating to my scrabble addiction till the early hours of the morning, am feeling bright and cheerful. Kowtow to me now...!

Recipe: Grilled Tuna Steak

I decided to cook the tuna steak for lunch today. But seeing that it was almost springtime outside, I decided to do something sunny and refreshing like Patricial Well's tuna steak recipe in Bistro Cooking. It was delightful! The Indonesian yellowfin tuna was such a high grade perfect specimen, a red hearty piece of steak, so fresh, that I thought it would have been a pity to overcook it to the default "flaky" effect. So this recipe was perfect. The recipe only calls for the tuna steak to be seared on the outside, leaving the middle rich red and fresh. Highly recommended as we welcome spring time!

Thon Grille Sauce Vierge
Grilled Tuna with Herbed Tomato, Garlic, Oil and Lemon Sauce

Fresh tuna steak (grade 1 or 2), approx. 2-3 inches thick
3 tomatoes, diced
3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 lemon, squeezed
Hearty handful of herbs e.g. chives, tarragon, parsley
Rocket or spinach

1. Combine the tomatoes, garlic, olive oil and lemon juice. Season with salt. Stir and set aside for 1 hour for the flavours to be infused.
2. Sear tuna for just 1 minute on each side on a high flame. The tuna steak should be chargrilled on the outside and rosy red on the inside.
3. Remove tuna and place on bed of rocket or spinach.
4. Stir the herbs into the prepared sauce and spoon over tuna steak.

To eat, I discovered that cutting the tuna steak cross-section, that is, perpendicular to the flake lines, produces a cleaner cut. Also, one bites with rather than into the fibres in the meat, if that makes sense!

Recipe: Steamed Razor Clams / Borough Market on a Saturday

It was cold today, beyond cold in London terms. Sunny and very very cold.

Had coffee with new best friend and F, my friend from France. Then, together, we picked some rather nice selections at Borough Market today: (pictures to follow soon)
- chorizo sausages from Brindisa (which I had for lunch)
- rocket, sweetcorn, spinach, leek and blue potatoes from Booth
- ossobucco and pork mince from The Ginger Pig (the latter I used to make jiaozi this afternoon)
- razor clams and Indonesian yellowfin tuna from Morecambe Bay (razor clams have been consumed)
- eggs from random stall
- some fruity Comte from ponsy French stall
and
- a really nice bottle of Chateau Belingard Monbazillac 2002, which I am having a glass of in bed while writing this

You know, I honestly never knew that shellfish like mussels and razor clams are actually alive when they are bought and cooked?! They look dead to me. Well, I took the razor clams out of the fridge this evening, intending to cook them for dinner. Using a knife, I slit one of them at the side opening. Ok, what happened next really sent shivers down my spine! The clam made a horrible squishy soft squeak, nipped my finger and slid out of its shell. I squeaked too. Panicking, I called my new best friend. Apparently, her clams were squeaking the moment she took them out of the fridge. It was horrible.

But I soon got over it.

My recipe for steamed razor clams:

Razor clams
Raw garlic, chopped finely
Raw chilli, chopped finely
Raw ginger, chopped finely
Raw spring onion, chopped finely

Light soya sauce (if possible, for seafood), 1tbsp
Oyster sauce, 1 tbsp
Chinese rice wine 1 tbsp

1. Steam the razor clams for 4-5 minutes. Do not cook them longer as they get rubbery when overcooked.
2. At the 2-3 minute mark, the shells should have opened. Sprinkle the raw condiments on top of the razor clams and continue steaming.
3. Heat the sauces and wine with some water (approx. 6 tbsp, more if necessary after tasting).
4. Take razor clams out of steamer only when ready to serve. Pour away any excess water. Pour sauce over clams.

HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY!

The clover, symbolising the Holy Trinity

Happy Saint Patrick's Day, everyone!

I'm going to bed right now as I have to wake up at 7am tomorrow morning to meet new best friend for a jog to Borough Market. Kowtow to me now...

P.S.

"My dear, the granting of grants is a totally ARBITRARY affair."

Quote unquote my best friend (in the whole wide world, you silly coot).

True. Settled the matter once and for all for me. Must learn to laugh at things and world more. hahahahaha....!

The temptation of worry

Ok. So. One of my papers has been accepted for presentation at a conference in Dublin in June, and I've applied to my Institution as well as Department for a travel grant, a relatively paltry 365 pounds. And I'm already worrying and getting prematurely upset that I won't get the money.

Upset with the School because their rules state each person may only apply once per year, with no restrictions as to amount, irrespective that X may travel to sunny Florida and Y to soggy Kent.

Upset with the Department because another colleague (let's call him/her A) got money, and his/her airfare to the US alone cost my total amount, which covers accommodation, food etc. I'm upset because 1) Being a first year, A was strictly not eligible for Dept funds, 2) A was attending a graduate conference in a small university whereas I'm attending an international conference, and 3) A was presenting a paper unrelated to his/her thesis, whereas I am. *foot stomp*

I want to be clear that A is my friend and my upsetness is not directed at him/her whatsoever. No, I'm upset with academic institutions who so blatantly demonstrate a lack of stewardship of scarce resources in this regard.

I'm also upset with myself for being upset, because hey I don't even know the results of my application yet! I'm just imagining worst case scenarios - my prayer partner, Ash, once said that this can alternatively be described as looking for trouble. I'm also upset with myself because my worrying means I don't have faith that God will provide, and I should have faith.

Anyways, venting aside, I'm curious. What do people think is the Christ-like response to injustices in life? Should one be meek and accepting/submissive and not get embroiled in office politics? Or should one speak out for the sake of what is right (and then definitely get embroiled in the ensuing unpleasantness)?

*ah, when Biblical principles get tested in real life, that's when the cookie crumbles!*

What do people think?

Reading over this post again, I am struck how mundane and petty it sounds. So many people spend their whole lives scrambling over petty little things, holding petty grudges, chasing after inconsequential things. But I think you lose sight of so much this way. Wasn't it Jim Elliott who said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."?

God's bigger picture is important to me, but I find myself following it with self-righteousness and a narrow heart. Lately, I've discovered myself squabbling over petty things like housemates using my milk, unsmiling service staff, elusive supervisors, the bank, the tube, the bus, London... and money.

A complaining, unfree, heart. I would really hate being like that forever.

Do you feel like that too? Then I pray that the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts in Christ Jesus. I pray that all petty things will fade in the light of the glory of God. I pray that His joy will fill our hearts so that evil thoughts will be banished. Lastly, I pray that when we fail in all this, that we will remember that His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.

Light blogging

hooray! I actually got to work at half nine this morning! Vast improvement. And that means I got to have lunch at a decent hour with a friend, put in a decent amount of work, and go for BSF with a light heart.

hm... the thesis is getting complicated.

In other news, I think I have a new best friend in London.

... and a toe cramp.

Still fluish.

Getting ready in the morning

"The place that God calls us is that place where the world's deep hunger and our deep desire meet." ~ Frederick Buechner

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus." ~ Jeanine

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armour of God... Stand firm then, (1) with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, (2) with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and (3) with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, (4) take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. (5) Take the helmet of salvation and (6) the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And (7) pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests." ~ Ephesians 6 (numbering is my own)

Yesterday, I woke up and spent one hour getting ready for work.

First, I brushed my teeth and washed my face, staring into the mirror. Then I went through my twice-daily toilette: tone, moisturise etc., staring into the mirror. I spent some time doing my stretches, humming along to Beth Nielson Chapman. Walking into my wardrobe, I wondered what to wear. Hm, no meetings today, so jeans and couduroy jacket. With heels or boots? Heels, I decided, my favourite snake skin ones. Then it was time to put on my make-up: foundation, powder, eye make-up, blusher etc. Hm, I need to buy cotton wool and mascara. I decided to put up my hair that day, so it was another exercise of knots and hairspray. One last look in the mirror. Finally, I was ready to go to work.

What if I spent one hour every morning putting on the armour of God - making sure that my belt of truth was sitting at a fashionable angle around my waist, that no stray hairs were escaping from my helmet of salvation. What if I spent one hour every morning sharpening my sword of the Spirit, making sure my breastplate of righteousness was buckled on tight before I faced the day? What if I spent one hour every morning praying? What if?

So that's what I did.

I've been down with the flu these past coupla days. My head is feeling terribly foggy with all that caffeine and antibiotics - a potent mixture. But I am excited about this paper I'm currently writing (despite the inevitable occasions of doubt). *cough cough* Nonetheless, God intervened tonight - IT services took the whole system offline for repairs before schedule, so I couldn't work. Go home, go home, He seemed to be saying. So I did. Think I'm going into work tomorrow, when the sytem is back on. But that's a happy thing for once.

For all mothers out there, especially mine:

"To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labours, and holidays; to be Whitely within a certain area, providing toys, boots, cakes, and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. ~ G.K. Chesterton

Wells of living water

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers... of love is Hell.

~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I was very silent at Bible study tonight. It seemed like in the space of two weeks, the intellectual level of our discussion had been amped up fairly. We also had a new guy, American, who raised several doctrinal issues that I would have loved to debate about. But I kept silent. I wanted to be silent. It was as if my heart was telling me to listen, an inner knowing that through listening I would gain so much more, and be able to give so much more. Perhaps it was because I had been reading about biblical feminity in my spare time. A woman who is unveiling her beauty is inviting others to life. Was I willing to be meek, make myself vulnerable, in order to love better? Perhaps also it was because I had spent the whole day on the job proving myself, that I was as good as "the boys" (academia is teaming with them), and tonight I just wanted to find my sufficiency in God. Beauty flows from a heart at rest. Before God who has made me beautiful and loves me just as I am, I don't need to prove myself. In fact, I felt really horrible later on when my old self reared its proudful head, capitulating completely to the need to state explicit that I was holding back (i.e. see what a great person I am?) - proving sin is never far. How glad I am, then, that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. God is fiercely protective of me.

He has given me such a deep and growing love for His Word these past few days. Through BSF, through my fellowship group, through good books, through prayer and thanksgiving. His Word has been my fountain of living water in this time, a resource for me to draw renewal and nourishment, an encouragement to want more. May I encourage you to partake of this joy too?

Captivating

Don't you just feel so happy when your friends are so happy? Just reading Charm's birthday post on her blog put a huge smile on my face. Is it just me or do we celebrate birthdays less as we get older? It just seems that birthdays of late have consisted of gathering in the pub for whirligig rounds of beer. Or is that just an English thing?

It's going to be my birthday soon. Hm...

I asked God for a "kiss" this morning, and He gave me two! What a loving God we have. I'm looking forward so much to tomorrow now, just in wonderment how He's going to surprise me that day.

Went for BSF again tonight. My group is such a diversity of lovely women, young and old, modern and meek, singles and mothers. To be honest, I was still thinking about issues in bioethics (from an earlier work thing) well into the lecture, but just listening to God's word being preached, even unconsciously, was so very therapeutic. It was well worth taking an hour out this afternoon to finish my BSF study over a caramel macchiato in Starbucks.

Highly recommended - a book that will reach to the depths of your feminine heart. Especially for the women who have made such a difference in my life, and to those I know I'll want to be part of my life for a long time. I'm reading this at the moment.

Up up... and away?

There have been moments this week when it felt like I had found myself again. The meditative peace of BSF, the introspective moment in The Well, the incipient passion and belief that what I do matters, more importantly tackling it (the PhD, that is) boldly, bouncing all over the department offering pineapple tarts to professors and secretaries alike, chattering gaily to random strangers at the bus-stop/supermarket counter/Starbucks, striding confidently down Kingsway like a supermodel, investing time with friends I shouldn't have taken for granted when things were well, having an opinion, reading voraciously, doing crazy things like checking out 100 hotdogs at Tesco for storytelling night in church, making funny faces, wondering how to make better use of the place God has brought me to, jogging to Tesco...

I'm still not getting up in the mornings, but in my waking moments, it seems as if Spring is really here. The energy. The want. The love. The madness. O', I've missed me for so long.

But amidst this spiritual crescendo, there is still a fragility. I really don't want to crash again.

Anyways, just me putting some thoughts for the night into my pensieve.

Life and screwballs

To everyone who has been praying for me, I just wanted to say that God is answering your prayers, even now, and thank you. I guess I just needed time, and it's been six months. Was feeling unusually peckish tonight. Hooray! My appetite's back! xx

Slowly picking up the pieces

When all your dreams are snatched, when there's no one to blame and nothing to forgive, when there is no answer to the question 'Why?', when it hurts so much you wish you would stop breathing, when getting out of bed to start the day is impossible - that's when breaking up is hard to do.

On Saturday, I met a lady called Lily F. I'd met her husband and her in church a couple of years ago. She told me he died last year. And then she cried.

Last night, on mum's encouragement, I went for BSF. The class was at St James Clerkenwell. The study was on Genesis 24. "Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the LORD had made his journey successful." (v.21) It was the verse we had prayed over before we started dating. That was over two years ago.

Steak frites is excellent at The Well, medium rare, with a glass of Australian Cabernet Merlot and BSF notes.

Tomorrow morning, dad is going to wake me up. Then I'm going to start a new day. I may not be able to control what goes on inside my heart, but there's sure a lot else that I can.