My thoughts on Christian dating

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:23)

Different people approach dating in different ways. Some are cautious to the point that they never date (a la Josh Harris) - that is just naff, IMHO. Others are extremely goal-oriented - they go into relationships quickly (or execute various 'testing the water' techniques), but they also make up their minds quickly. I think there is something admirable about being focused and decisive, but this method also leaves a trail of broken hearts and stumbles others, which is unedifying, and I think it somehow indicates an eye that is not so much on Christ as it is on a relationship/person. I, on the other hand, have always chosen the worse approach - skip the thinking process and just go for it. My only saving grace is that I've been terribly lucky in my choices in men. But luck doesn't run forever, which is why I think it's important now to engage in the thinking process. So here goes...

First and foremost, I think the heart is a highly volatile and fragile thing, and should be treated so. We only need to give out a little of it, just a teeny weeny little bit, and that is enough to start a running fuse that will grow and grow, and it inevitably reaches crisis point if left unchecked (think about where the innocent 'let's just be friends first' usually leads!). That is just how the heart is. Knowing this therefore, the strategy is clear. What we need to do is simply to prevent things from ever getting to that dangerous stage.

It seems to me that the only way then is to be careful about giving our hearts out, even just a little. That is why God tells us to guard our hearts above all things. Putting up fences around our hearts is not necessarily a bad thing. We do it because we are mindful of God. We want to be able to serve Him well with healthy and pure hearts, and to serve others well too for the sake of His kingdom (just as our hearts are precious, we need to remember that so the hearts of others are too).

Practically speaking, this means a few things:

1. Be honest with yourself. If you are attracted to someone, you should acknowledge it to yourself (otherwise you will just end up doing silly things and quite possibly screw up your head). The natural thing then is to want to spend more time with them, to get to know them better. Again, be honest. Don't be trapped by fearful or defensive nomenclature.* This is called dating. Dating is seeing someone regularly with an eye to a possible committed relationship (that would be to "get involved", as the Americans like to distinguish it).

*Nomenclature, however, is important when you are trying to explain your relationship to someone else, bearing in mind that we should be edifying to others at all times. In America, I am told that it is acceptable to say that you are "dating" at this stage. However, the word connotes something quite different in Britain and more conservative cultures, something more serious. It might be helpful therefore to say something like "we're good friends".

2. But, because you are not in a committed relationship, it is important to guard your hearts above all else. One of the most useful things someone once told me was to remember

a) that this person is going to be your brother/sister for eternity, and

b) that you are going to be accountable to his/her Father, who is no small figure to contemplate.

I think these are good guiding principles. Caution is the operative word here.

3. And this means to treat the other person precisely like a brother/sister. A few useful guidelines, not exhaustive:

a) Avoid talking about relationship matters when you meet; there are many other ways to share deeply (e.g. where you are with God, what your relationship with your family is like, what you like or dislike, whether Fortnum&Mason's or Maison du Chocolat produces the best chocolates - hey, that's a life-sustaining question, ok?),

b) Avoid spending time alone, particularly in each other's home/room; meet in public places and involve your friends (who can keep you accountable at this stage, and are a vital part of a committed relationship anyway if things should develop, so why not involve them now?),

c) Avoid any physical contact, no matter how seemingly insignificant or inconsequential (it is never insignificant or inconsequential when you have "relationship" screaming at the back of your mind).

Basically, the difference between friendship and dating is simply the interim end goal, which is a possible committed relationship. If you decide ultimately not to enter into a committed relationship, you will still have a good basis for friendship going. You simply need to change your expectations of where that is leading. This is not to say that, should things turn out this way, it isn't going to affect the heart at all. You might even need some time apart to "let things cool down". But what it is is that you would have acted in a way that is most protective of your heart and of the other person's heart. In other words, in an accountable way.

4. Pray. Pray that God will give you the strength to stand firm. Remember, just as God knows your desires and fears, so does satan. Temptations lie like roaring lions around you, waiting to devour you. Be alert, be cautious. Pray that God will keep you focused on Him at all times - afterall, we love because He first loved us. (1 John 4) - and from that all things will flow. Pray this for each other, and maybe together (but not alone in each other's home/room). On your own, pray also for His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven, and for God to give you wisdom to know His will for the both of you. Pray for assurance and a peace that transcends all understanding. And when He gives it to you, whichever way the decision should go, act on it with integrity - let your yes be a yes and your no be a no.

5. As common courtesy, you should date only one person at a time, even if it is "just dating" (or "just talking" or "but we're just good friends" or whatever else you have been calling it). If you should wish to pick up a conversation with someone else at any point, then again, let your yes be a yes and your no be a no - tell the other person. It is totally not cool to "shop".

6. However, remember that the whole point of Christianity is that we have all fallen short of the glory of God, but that His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. We will stumble and we will fall, and we will definitely make many mistakes along the way (just try not to make the same mistake twice!) So,

a) Don't flagellate yourself - believe instead in the compelling purpose of God. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son." (Romans 8)

b) Come to God daily for forgiveness and new life. Remember what Paul says: "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3)

7. Finally, remember this: The prize is not finding the one that you are going to spend the rest of your life with; it is to know the One who knew you even before you were in your mother's womb.

Anyways, these are just my inchoate thoughts on Christian dating - writing it down was probably more useful for me to sort things out in my mind than anything else, so it has served its purpose even if never read. But of course, you are reading it, and some of you guys know that this has been a big topic with me in the last six months or so, so any feedback would be welcomed. I will pen my thoughts on Christian committed relationship soon...