Just another day?

I walked out of my office today to my usual bus-stop on the Aldwych. The bus was taking an awfully long time. Then, as I read my copy of the London Paper, I spied in the corner of my eye the first bus doing a u-ey on the corner of Kingsway. Then another bus. And another. If you've never seen a huge double-decker bus do a u-turn, let me tell you, it's a sight. That was when I noticed the police cordorning off the entrance to the Aldwych. Don't know what's happening (I hadn't heard about the second bomb), but I guess no bus was coming my way any time soon. So I picked up my handbag, and heavy tote, and shopping, and started walking down the Aldwych and across Waterloo Bridge - figured I might as well take the tube home and pick up some groceries on the way. The bridge was busy. Everyone was walking home this evening. Contrast with the streets, they were eerily silent of traffic - Aldwych, Waterloo Bridge, the Strand. As I walked out of Sainsbury a little later, police cars were speeding by, sirens blasting. Across the road from Waterloo Station, I could hear the announcer listing the trains that had been cancelled.

I totally freaked and hailed the first cab home.

So, I'm lying on my bed now looking at the news on BBC. This is the map of where the two car bombs were found. Goodness gracious. Do these people know that I run this route almost everyday? Do they know that I work nearby? I am seriously affronted. This is my space too, my freedom. My friends walk these streets, someone I love could be on the London Bus admiring the towering statue of Nelson in Trafalgar Square, and they would not have known that their lives were in danger in the midst of mundanity. This is an act of cowardice and I'm seriously pissed off.

A woman's ambition

As Gordon Brown took over office this week, it was the political wives who were taking the limelight: Sarah Brown, Samantha Cameron, and Elspeth Campbell. What was interesting to me was the fact that they all had their own lives and thing before and during their marriages. The other thing that was interesting was the fact that they chose to make their husbands' ambitions their ambitions, contrasting with some other political wives (e.g. Cherie, Hilary) we know who blaze their own paths (although some did both, like Hilary).

So, what is my point? I'm not sure, except maybe make sure you sort yourself out first and always do your own thing.

Ok, I better get back to finishing the thesis, which was what started this train of thought in the first place.

Life is not a waiting game

Words written: 6,585. Distance run: 0 (it's been cold and rainy, is my excuse). Currently reading: After Dark (Haruki Murakami).

I've been having trouble sleeping and waking up in the morning these past two weeks since... There are days when I find myself waking up and staring at the ceiling for hours. I get the sense that I'm waiting, waiting for something to happen - for the phone to ring, for God do speak, something. But nothing happens. And it won't happen no matter how long I wait. Because life doesn't begin whenever whatever it is happens. Here and now, Jesus Christ is sufficient and complete. He is abundantly able to fill every thirst we have. That's the theory anyway, but sometimes I catch glimpses of its reality, and I wonder if I'm not just telling myself that. Often, I forget and lapse back into darkness. But it remains true. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him (John Piper).

May we all catch the vision.

P.S. It's been cold and rainy since the weekend. Summer has departed and winter has taken its place.

An imagined conversation with God

Have you ever been caught up in the wonder of God's eternal plan and purpose: How everything we do in this life, and all its glorious fruit, is circumscribed by His glory on the Cross, and culminates in the glory of Christ crucified?

God - a command, an entreaty, and a promise:
"Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." ~ Matthew 3:8

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labour on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." ~ Isaiah 55:2

"All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God... The fruit of your womb will be blessed." ~Deuteronomy 28:2, 4

Me:
"... and now I bring the firstfruits of the soil that you, O Lord, have given me." ~ Deuteronomy 26:10

I want to bring my firstfruits to You, whether it is writing my PhD thesis or being on time for work at the research institute or taking out the trash for my housemates. But I sometimes feel like I'm just doing. I don't know why I'm doing it or where I'm going.

God:
"... so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." ~ Isaiah 55:11

Me:
?How does taking out the trash relate to your purpose (singular!)?

God:
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law." ~Deuteronomy 29:29

""For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Me:
I may not be able to understand or articulate how everything I do each day brings glory to God, but I believe that what Jesus achieved on the Cross is sufficient, and that God's compelling purpose is behind every one of my efforts each day. I am encouraged to persevere in the works of my hand, because I know God will not allow them to be done in vain.

Therefore, focus now on the things you know, the tasks that God has put before you. Produce good fruit of these things. And trust that God will take care of the things unknown.

Just some thoughts over the weekend, which among other things was filled with laziness, babysitting, an indoor church picnic, and a night-time snack with my best friend at MacDonalds (the chicken select is yummy but waaaay overpriced).

Review: The Rose Tattoo

Some friends dragged me out to the theater tonight to watch Zoe Wanamaker (Madam Hooch!) in Tennessee Williams' play, The Rose Tattoo. I loved it. Serafina's deep-felt passion makes you want to catch every nuance of life yourself, makes you realise that sorrow and suffering is what makes love, love and life, life. And the hope that, with time, we do get better, until one day, snap!, we suddenly find that it's over and we can laugh again. My only quibble was that the actors slipped between American and Italian accents (they were trying) - it was a little distracting. But, wouldn't you say this was just the right play for me to watch right now? I have fantastic friends.

Hyde Park

I ran 5 miles with my running buddies tonight, with post-run drinks at the pub as usual. My P.E. teacher would be so proud of me.

Murakami fest

Just received this and this in the post - very excited:

Have been loading up on books and dvds to occupy my sleepless nights. And relying on my Bible a lot.

Book review: Should I get married?

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. For those in a serious relationship and considering marriage, it is a sound practical Christian guide to the ingredients that feed a strong marriage. For those who are single, it's great to know what to look out for and be prepared. The chapter on compassion was most awakening for me (it also reminded me of The Boy *tear*), and I took away a few prayer pointers from the author's suggestions for a retreat. There is also a serious section about the FEAR OF COMMITMENT - might be surprising for those of us who pooh-pooh such an idea, but I tell you, all the symptoms are there. Finally, Blaine Smith makes a few reasonable counterpoints to the Josh Harris/Rauniker (whose book I reviewed previously) theses of 'kissing dating goodbye/yes to courtship, no to dating' at the end. The Boy and I bought a copy each some time ago when we were considering the future. I only recently started reading it, to try to find some answers.

Caveat: I totally skipped the bit on Divorce/Remarriage, so have not checked the theology in that section.

Girlfriends

Cheer up flowers from Eszet

I always think you need to be a good rambler to be a good blogger, because you need to want to schpill, you know? Rambling helps me organise my thoughts, find answers, and the epiphany is always rewarding. Eszet, who rambles beautifully, has just written this, which is both revealing of the wonderful writer she is on the outside and the loving person she is underneath.

Thanx also to Mongchacha, who pointed me to this beautifully encouraging piece on finding love.

The royal parks in summer

Picture from www.royalparks.gov.uk

Ran 4.4 miles today from St James Park to Green Park and back. Will hit Hyde Park the next time. Showered and had some quiet sushi before coming home. Admired the twinkly river skyline as the bus crossed Waterloo Bridge, and remembered again what a beautiful city London is. Feeling happier.

A mixed weekend

One of my birthday cards

Saturday:
Got up. Cried. Prayed. My best friend, Eszet, came to rescue me and we went back to hers to make yummy fish cakes and watch new dvds (how many of us remember Patricia Routledge in Keeping Up Appearances). Her very cute flatmate, D, joined us and we sat in the kitchen yakking away over an excellent bottle of Medoc. There were flighty comments and deep thoughts, witty repartee and sombre opinions. I felt a bit of my old self coming back. It was a good feeling. Slept over.

Sunday:
Got up. Cried. Prayed. My girlfriend, C, texted me, and I met her and her lovely American friends for church and a Turkish lunch. Had my nails done, then went back to church for the evening service. Part of me didn't want to meet The Boy, the other part of me was disappointed that I didn't. Poured my heart out in scribble in my new red suedette prayer journal all during the service. But as I gazed at the image of Christ staring down at me, it dawned on me that God had already answered all my heart's desires. He loved me at great cost too, greater, so that I could stand in His presence as I did then. It was a breakthrough. Eszet came to rescue me again (she's been wonderful) and we went to The Chinese Experience for dinner. It wasn't my first choice - too many memories - but the little Vietnamese place we were eyeing was closed. Came home. It started raining. Cried. Prayed. Slept.

I figure that the best way I can celebrate and honour The Boy's hopes and wishes for me (I admire his fortitude), as well as everyone who had been so kind to me (mum, dad, Eszet, C, and many many others), is to persevere. God, my thesis, my running, my family, my friends - life isn't just about one thing.

Wetfoot Quiz for Argentina

I still can't believe we won Renee's famous pavlova in the cake auction! But here it is. We bid 115 pounds for it in the end. Blow me away! I hadn't eaten anything for the last 1.5 days - kept throwing up - but I ate this!! We also bid for a chocolate fleur de lis from Paul's. Our table came in 4th in the quiz, and we raised so much money for the team going on the Argentina mission this year - I'm so proud of you guys!

Run run run away

I ran 5 miles today. Peace.

Relationship purgatory

I wanted to remember and celebrate what God had given us, but I didn't know how. Went to Lincoln's Inn Fields this afternoon - don't know why - with my umbrella and just sat behind the stone statue to pray for a while. And cry. There's been a lot of both since last night. Had lunch with a girlfriend. Then came into the office (took the morning off), but spent an hour editing this pic. We are both devastated, but held together by our common faith. I don't know what we can do except to continue to keep our eyes on Jesus. I know God has unfinished business with us. Nonetheless, I think we will grieve for a while, and continue to seek answers that are not there, maybe do some stupid things like edit photos of the two of us. I keep saying "we"; maybe it's just me. It was our 8th month anniversary yesterday. I don't think it's really hit me yet.

Thank you to those who have kept us in prayer throughout. We give thanks for answered prayer.

P.S. I love you, my brother. You came into my life at a time when I didn't think I could love again. You made me feel so beautiful. You believed in me deeply. You only always wanted the best for me. You loved me well indeed. I always wished I had the words to speak my heart to you. I can't think of any regrets, only good things. Thank you for being my gift from God. We have walked together in faith, from first to last. Even now, let us continue the race towards the prize God has set us in Christ Jesus.

Turn you eyes to Jesus.

Struggling.

Money spent: over budget, gag. Distance run: 2.16 miles, gag. Words written: 5,269 or thereabouts, gag. Currently reading: Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

Writing up thesis intensely. The Boy is not feeling well. Between this and that, have been cancelling appointments and lagging on running. Hence, gag. Not good. Stephen Covey would be wagging his finger at me and nagging me to move from Quadrant III to Quadrant II by now! Running low on battery, so will blog more later.

Money spent: 53 pounds. Distance run: 2.6 miles. Words written: 4,169 (am v v v tired, and still not finished!). Currently reading: Neither Here Nor There (Bill Bryson).

Scene from room in Singapore

Got up little while ago. Am blogging in bed. My room is darkened. Sunlight peeks through the slats of my blinds, and my air purifier whirs in the background. I imagine it to be a whirring ceiling fan. If we weren't in London, 2007, on a Sunday morning, this could almost be a scene in The Lover. I feel like I should read my Bible before blogging, and have an urge to continue writing that darn chapter. Both make me feel mildly bad. But, it's Sunday. Eszet just texted me: Want to have lunch at my place today? Have foie gras and lots of dessert wine. The Boy also called, just to say he loves me (aww...). But there's something paralysing about my cocoon bed, the still dead silence, the wilting roses on a table, the strewn of clothing on the floor like after a forbidden night. I've been so busy, and tired, and stressed trying to suppress all my emotions and that tiny, irrational, mosquito feeling of guilt.

Suddenly, just being still is very good indeed.

Tribute to my best friend

Money spent: about 60 pounds over budget, but I won at poker over the weekend. Distance run: 7.1 miles since last update. Words written: 3,203 (still pushing chapter deadline today - am very tired!). Currently reading: Freakonomics (Steven D. Levitt, Dubner).


This is my oldest and favourite Bible. It was my first Bible. Eszet, who is still my best friend after 17 years (!), gave it to me when I accepted Christ in 1994. It's falling to bits now. A few years ago, I sewed a cover to keep it together, and did some cross-stitch on it which was meaningful to me then. I need to put it in the wash - it's getting a little dirty. The insides are covered with a multitude of colours, lines and scribbles. In the front, I have a cheesy PIO card that says "What you are is God's gift to you; what you become is your gift to God". There's also my name in arabic and chinese, and a love note from an anonymous man. A page of sermon notes (on Genesis 1). A bookmark from a child. My McCheyne reading schedule. Two highlighters guarding its sides (pink and orange this time round). A lot of tender love. Every time I want to buy a new Bible - to start afresh, you know - something always pulls me back to this one. My first Bible. My first love.

The fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure. (Isaiah 33:6)